jIn's CULTURE

Thursday, February 09, 2006

I've been contemplating whether should i post this online.. but I guess i really have had ENOUGH! How should I start? I really dun wish to sound too hysterical/depressing/crazy... but I've been really unhappy since New Year..

I'm really SICK and TIRED of people commenting on how I look.. ALRIGHT! i know i'm skinny.. In Fact DAMN SKINNY!! so dun have to repeat this into my face every SINGLE time u see me k?!.. New Year WAS supposed to be a joyous occasion.. I was really looking fwd house visiting BUT EVERY house i go to.. my relatives will exclaim:" Aiyo!! what happen to you?? why u become lidat.. all BONES! VERY not pretty u noe? U din eat is it? dun over-diet... and BLAH BLAH BLAH.." (i'm really not being Kua Zhang when i used the word "EXCLAIM") and one of the most hurting situation was when i went my mum's friend's house.. The situation was like this:

Aunt No. 1: What HAPPEN TO YOU???? are u sick or sth? u skinny until u look adnormal u noe??? (@ e top of her voice in a CROWDED house) AND tt's not the end of my tramua... She proceeded to ask everyone to come and feel my Arms and Waist and keep emphasizing how "barely there" they were!!! I felt like an EXHIBIT waiting for them to touch me (It was SO RIDICULOUS!).. all eyes were on me and those many many MANY anuties and uncles were commenting away.. I FELT SO DAMN INSULTED and ANGRY~ but it's NEW YEAR!!! and I must give my mum face right??? so I brushed it off..I just smiled and mentioned " Ya Lor.. Stress la stress la.."

TT's how i started my new year this year.. The very next day was 1st day of New Year.. and I dun wanna spoil my family's mood also.. so the whole day I put on a smile.. but I really dread going to other houses.. I din mention this to anyone during new year also cos I dun wanna dampen anyone's mood..

AND EVER SINCE NEW YEAR... my mum literally keep mentioning on how i look and what i Should eat and stuff lidat.. She's cooking soup almost everyday for me and make sure i drink in front of her.. My grandma called me during breakfast and lunch to check on what I've eaten and my mum will make sure i eat my dinner and supper.. I remembered once I was having lesson halfway and my phone kept vibrating.. I returned the MANY missed calls after lesson juz to realize tt it was juz my grandma checking on whether I've had my meal.. I was soo pissed off! but i din screamed at her la.. i just said " Ya la Ya la" den she replied" You dun bluff.. I noe u din eat..........." Wa!!!! i nearly banged down the phone~ and on days when i feel lerthagic.. I juz wanna go for a run and my mum will stop me" How can you go in this kind of condition?? what'll happen if u juz faint lidat? can u stop giving me worries?? Why cant u juz stay @ home and REST?" PLS LOR.. I was previously a TENNIS player lor.. and my record was 20 ROUNDS round the track for warm-up can? and my NAFA every year GOLD one lor!!! (I'm not boasting here.. but she juz makes me sound soo weak)

WHY is she(and some others) making me feel like a SICK person? I'm NOT!!! i dun have fainting spells and stuff lidat.. I'm alive and kicking! I'm not falling sick or stuff lidat...I'm having my proper meals too~ My mum's not the ONLY one.. I'm even starting to harbour thots of skipping school cos every friend i bump into will give similar comments.. I noe I'm sounding crazy @ this point of time.. BUT IMAGINE the same things being repeated to you every SINGLE DAY and MANY MANY times a day.. Juz today.. i was being commented on Again during lunch and again when i bumped into my hall friend earlier on.. I always juz laugh it off but inside me I'm really hurt.. I'm really very sick of juz pretending I'm fine with the comments... Some of Them even comment on my photos i.e. like how my arms and legs look in some photos and I usually become the Topic of Discussion during lunch and this always happens during lunch gatherings..UNTIL I've a phobia of eating with friends.. Even to the loved ones around me.. I've mentioned how I feel bout his issue but time and again.. they will forget and mention it..

FRIENDS: I noe you ppl care bout me.. Personally, if i see my friend experiencing a drastic change, I will also ask as a sign of concern.. but really... ONCE is enough.. and pls be sensitive twds how the other party will feel with your choice of words.. I noe I'm sounding crazy now.. BUT I'M NOT~ really.. All these attention juz add on to my frustrations.. U have to be in my shoes in order to understand how I feel.. It's not as if i wanted this.. It's really a kind of mental Torture.. tt's y I feel tt i shld blog bout it and let others to know how i actually feel..and I'm not targeting anyone when I'm typing these out.. sooo for those who feels targeted.. " Dun worry.. I'm not Mad with ya or anything.. still Friend -Friend ok?! I felt tt i need to let u guys be aware of how i personally feel" I admit tt My appetite was really quite jialat the previous sem cos I was pretty stressed out by one module but I'm back to normal now.. Just give me time and view me juz like the past? This will bring back my cheerful days again.. ( Well not tt I'm depressed or anything now.. But juz kinda upset over this issue)

Clara: I'm extremely grateful to ya last night! Thanks for the long long talk.. Hope I din scare you.. but my conversation with you really helps! tho' i nearly din go school this morning cos' of Swollen Eyes=P Thanks FOR BEING my pillar of support yest=D

Zhiying: Hmm.. tho~ u din do anything or maybe not even aware of this.. but nevertheless.. I wanna thank you.. cos You are the ONLY person who's really sensitive twds me.. You are the ONLY one who juz kept quiet or even defend me @ times during e New Year.. Guess.. u really understand me well..

Lester: Thanks for loving me for who I'm :)

p.s. ..and while i was typing this blog halfway.. my grandma called again.. to check on what I've eaten for my dinner and she said she bought alot of biscuits for me for my supper and tea-break.. Pls!!! when will all these STOP??!

*JiN* slept soundly at 9:08 PM